Anxious Attachment: Understanding the Struggles and the Path to Healing

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, describes how the bonds we form with caregivers in childhood shape our relationships as adults.

Anxious attachment, one of the insecure attachment styles, is characterised by a deep fear of abandonment, an intense need for reassurance, and difficulty regulating emotions in close relationships.

While rooted in early experiences, it often manifests in adulthood, impacting how we connect with others.

How Anxious Attachment Manifests in Childhood

Anxious attachment typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting a child’s emotional needs. This inconsistency creates a sense of uncertainty in the child, leaving them unsure whether they can rely on their caregiver for comfort and support. Here are five relatable examples:

1. Inconsistent Comfort: A child cries and sometimes receives comfort from their caregiver, but other times, they are ignored or scolded. This unpredictability leaves the child feeling insecure.

2. Excessive Praise Followed by Criticism: A parent showers the child with affection one day but withdraws or criticises them the next, creating confusion about their worth.

3. Overwhelming Dependency: A caregiver who relies on their child for emotional support can make the child feel responsible for the adult’s well-being, fostering anxiety.

4. Frequent Absence: A parent who is physically present but emotionally distant causes the child to constantly seek their attention and approval.

5. Fear of Abandonment: A parent threatens to leave or withdraw love as a form of discipline, leaving the child terrified of being left alone.

These experiences create a blueprint for relationships, teaching the child that love and connection are uncertain and must be constantly sought out.

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Relationships

In adulthood, anxious attachment often surfaces in romantic partnerships and close relationships. It can lead to behaviours and feelings that undermine the very connections the individual craves. Here are five common examples:

1. Constant Need for Reassurance: You frequently ask your partner if they still love you or worry they’ll leave, even when there’s no evidence to suggest it.

2. Fear of Rejection: You interpret neutral or minor signs (like a delayed text) as a sign that your partner is pulling away.

3. Clinginess or Overdependence: You struggle to give your partner space, fearing that distance means they’re losing interest.

4. Difficulty Trusting: Even in stable relationships, you feel suspicious or insecure, convinced your partner might betray you.

5. Emotional Overreaction: Small conflicts feel like major threats to the relationship, leading to heightened emotional responses like crying, pleading, or anger.

Why You Feel It and Why It Feels Like Love

At the heart of anxious attachment is a deep fear of abandonment. This fear often stems from early caregiving experiences where love felt conditional or inconsistent. As adults, these individuals confuse the intensity of their emotional need with genuine love. The highs and lows of an anxious attachment dynamic—feeling ecstatic when reassured and devastated when neglected—can mimic the emotional rollercoaster of romantic passion, making it feel like love.

The Challenges of Healing on Your Own

Healing from anxious attachment is incredibly difficult to do alone because it requires rewiring deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviours. The patterns formed in childhood are often unconscious, making them hard to identify and address without external guidance. Common challenges include:

• Self-Doubt: It’s hard to trust your instincts when you’ve spent a lifetime questioning your worth.

• Emotional Overwhelm: Without tools to regulate emotions, the intensity of your fears can feel unbearable.

• Blind Spots: You may not realise how your behaviours are rooted in attachment wounds, making it difficult to break harmful patterns.

• Dependency on Reassurance: Without a safe space to process your feelings, you may continue seeking validation from others instead of cultivating self-worth.

• Fear of Vulnerability: A lack of support can make the prospect of opening up and addressing past wounds feel too risky.

Finding a Path to Healing

Healing anxious attachment requires patience, self-compassion, and often the support of a therapist or counsellor. Some steps include:

• Building Self-Awareness: Recognise how your attachment style impacts your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

• Practicing Emotional Regulation: Learn tools to manage overwhelming emotions, like mindfulness or journaling.

• Reframing Beliefs: Challenge negative beliefs about your worth and others’ reliability.

• Seeking Safe Relationships: Surround yourself with people who offer consistent, secure support.

• Therapy: A trained counsellor can help you identify your attachment patterns and guide you toward healthier relationships.

Final Thoughts

Anxious attachment is not a life sentence. While it can feel overwhelming and isolating, understanding its roots and manifestations is the first step toward healing. With time and support, it’s possible to move toward a more secure attachment style, creating the relationships you’ve always desired—rooted in trust, connection, and genuine love.

It can be so hard- I’ve been there, it’s a genuine struggle to confront your self worth issues, but trust me it’s worth it x